Toiletware for Equity

American Fez on bathroomology:

As there was no “business” to discuss at our morning meeting, some overbearing busybody with nothing better to do brought up the tedious topic of office etiquette. “I wish the guys among us would remember to put the seat down in the bathroom,” she bleated.

A reasonable enough request, no doubt, in normal circumstances, and normally I would have left the matter there, but the speaker was a grotesque and miserable cow whom I detest, so I didn’t.

“That seems a pretty old-fashioned and sexist code of conduct to me.” I said. “Since we are all equal at work these days maybe we should make an effort to be equal in the toilet also.”

I could almost hear the eyes-rolling in my colleagues’ heads, but bravely forged ahead with my argument anyway.

“Of course, I’m not suggesting that ladies should leave the seat up every other day on some kind of rota system,” I explained. “But if both men and women left the seat at a forty-five degree diagonal twixt bowl and the cistern, well, perhaps then we can achieve some sort of bathroomological gender parity on this issue.”

Unfortunately everybody ignored me.

“I was thinking it would be a simple matter of tightening the toilet seat hinges themselves, so that the seat can remain immovably elevated at the correct angle when the toilet isn’t in use,” I added to a quickly emptying conference room.