Cryptic plans discovered

In a secret coalition with the Swedish Mafia, the powerful Tonga CIA is reported to have cracked a sinister plot which has stumped Homeland Security since the Pizza Delivery Conspiracy.

Seized during extensive search campaigns, new and alarming evidence reveals what may be secret offshore plans for mass distribution. Thought to be needed to authorize access to urban or wilderness terrorist training camps, numerous allen-type rods, perhaps weapons activation keys known as ikea or i-keys, have been recovered from a cache of contraband assembly kits.

Bush Administration intelligence teams are laboring to decipher cryptic picture diagrams and related printed materials that may contain hidden instruction codes.

Platoon leaders are complaining of poor GPS equipment while navigating maze-type warehouse facilities that slow progress and confuse highly skilled penetration squads. To help decrease port and border crossings, investigating personnel are installing surveillance equipment hidden in lightweight props that appear to be pricey electronics.

The Executive Branch is being criticized after leaked reports reveal that the Swedish Mafia has been allegedly contracted to train military prison guards in methods of torture that smother evil combatants under huge piles of plastic balls. Inhumane interrogation techniques include threats of bursting while forcibly ingesting tiny meatballs and the use of washable slipcovers in apparatus that restricts breathing. Stating the threat level will remain at orange, the Vice President has refused an Oversight Committee subpoena to disclose additional data.